MY BIGGEST FEAR

As I come out of the preverbal broom closet with my MS it means admitting to myself what it is about this disease that I fear the most.  For the most part I feel I have a very good attitude even with all of my challenges.  Every day that I wake up I feel blessed even though I know that 80% of my day will be painful.  I deal with vision loss and the spasms in my face.

My sense of humor keeps me smiling while talking to many on the computer and if there is a typo I calk it up to rented fingers and put no more than that into the numbness in my hands arms and legs.  I know of so many in wheel chairs now and I have been asked what about when I can’t walk?

What about when I can no longer see?  I thought this was my biggest fear.  My children and my grandchildren are my life.  We have been through so much together with my divorce, my cancer and now MS.  But then I stopped and really thought about this.  When I loose my sight it’s going to be okay, I will still hear them and share with them I just won’t be able to see them and I looked at it from the perspective of I don’t see them everyday I talk to them or I communicate with them via the computer.

Just because I don’t see them doesn’t mean that I won’t share in their lives so this no longer was a fear.  So then what is it?  What is it I fear the most?  Everyone that lives with MS, lives with many complicated choices everyday from new medications to finding the right doctors, the testing and the side effects that go along with all of this.

So let me try to break down my biggest fear. It’s simple really, I’m afraid of loosing my mind.  Depression absolutely terrifies me.  Depression is very common in people with multiple sclerosis (MS). In fact, symptoms of depression severe enough to require medical intervention affect up to half of all people with MS at some point during their illness.

Why Do People With Multiple Sclerosis Also Have Depression? 

1.   Depression may be the result of a difficult situation or stress. It is easy to understand how having MS, with its potential for progressing to permanent disability, can bring on depression.

2.   Depression may be caused by MS. MS may destroy the insulating myelin that surrounds nerves that transmit signals affecting mood.

3.   Depression is also a side effect of some drugs used to treat MS, such as steroids or interferon.

This is what I know, Feeling hopeless and helpless are part of the disorder, and so depressed people are prone to believe there is nothing they can do to help themselves. That is flatly untrue. When people educate themselves and take proactive and deliberate steps to get help, including self-help, the probability of overcoming depression is high.

I'd suggest that you completely ignore the disempowering interpretations people give you about the meaning of your depression. Instead focus on 1) learning what your particular risk factors and vulnerabilities are and 2) then learning the strategies you'll need for skillfully managing your mood.

Even when depression eventually lifts, you will need to manage your mood with self-awareness and skill. It's a life skill everyone needs, not just those prone to depression.

Therapy can be of great help and should feature somewhere in your plans to overcome your depression. You can't effectively treat yourself when you don't know much about what you're up against.  For me, my biggest challenge is a healthy attitude. Knowledge is power.  While I may not be able to cure MS, I can, concur my fear.  I wish good health to everyone.